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...still here huh? [10 Oct 2010|07:41pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Another two years went by and I found myself back on this page. I guess I haven't been able to write about my feelings in awhile, sometimes I think the only way I can even acknowledge how I feel is to write about them. I've gotten way too good at covering up my true feelings and I feel like sometimes I am losing pieces of myself. But how can I be my true self? Who is that person anyway? I feel like my life is wrapped around work, Kyle, friends and family that I don't even have TIME to reflect who I became in the past two years. Things confuse me and I ignore the fact it's frightening not even realizing what kind of person I am anymore. I'm not saying I'm some terrible person or I am lifeless (sometimes I can feel like that) I think this is more about who I am as a person, what I like and dislike about the world, my OPIONS on things. I feel like I spend a lot of time listening to others I end up agreeing with them or quietly disagreeing. But really, I need to work on OPINIONS, why and how I feel as I do. I need to work on not being scared to be my true self, whoever that person really is. Ah how can someone really know? What makes you, well..you? Things I do know about "me":
I love working at the hospital, it's something I am GOOD at and I LOVE helping people. Work is meaningful for me and I know I want to help people out and cheer them up if it's within my reach. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with life I focus my energy in getting lost with work. Taking more call and just focusing on working. I guess know that school is over I need something to distract me...but from what?
Being outdoors is another thing I LOVE. I did warrior dash yesterday...three mile race with obstacles scattered throughout, it was AMAZING. The very last part I was crawling through the mud and as I was jumping over the fire I felt such a sense of accomplishment. I love getting dirty outside, racing, being with nature. I really want to spend more of my time getting in touch with the world, there are so many beautiful things I just need to take the time out of my day to find them.

It feels nice to write in here again. I have a lot more to say, two years was a long time, but I'll get there when I can. All I know is I need to stop running from my emotions and I need to be OK with feelings. It's always been a struggle with me, but I owe that to myself at least...right?

. 159 made me. . smile .

class of 08 [29 May 2008|06:39pm]
[ mood | horny ]

So. Graduation was today. BS degree and Cum Ladi (is that how you spell it?). I also got an award for being the best CT student (well, the one that shows the most promise I guess you could say? In clinical and in class). I'm proud of myself, I did great. Everyone was telling my parents how great I was and what a nice daughter they rasied, it feels good to have people recognize my hard work. I just wish I could have been more excited about graduation. How can I be happy thinking I'm finished while I have to get ready for clinincal the day after (fuckers). It sucks. I wasn't in the best mood yesterday either, I guess it's overwhelming actually being so close to the finish. I must say Kyle definately cheered me up. He is such an amazing boyfriend I woke up in the middle of the night to a message saying how wonderful beautiful intellegent I am and most of all how I have a guy who adores me and falls for me more and more each day, someone who wants to just kiss me and look into my eyes and get lost in me. It was something along those lines, and I must say I was speechless. It was the sweetest thing anybody ever told me and especially reading that after a bummy day, it was perfect. It's weird to think that tomorrow is only our one month haha. We've been seeing eachother pretty much since that mountain trip in March. I think I hold back a little bit because I don't want to be that corny girl who falls for her new boyfriend very fast, but I must say I adore the boy. And I may even be having second thoughts on the whole "corny" situation.

Love, Kristina

. 159 made me. . smile .

update of mwah [14 May 2008|03:31pm]
[ mood | content ]

havent written in here in ages. let's see for an update...
graduation in 2 weeks pretty much, crazy time.
my summer is mostly gonna be spent at the hospital for clinical, ughhh
i have a man and i adore him, sweetest guy ever
moving back home end of june, NOT looking forward to it
might end up with mcc possibly, or somewhere else that just isn't my house
baby cousin ava is absolutely adorable
work at fat tuesdays= no free weekends
...but took off memorial day for a weekend of shore and fun :)
interviewed at CHOP today, possibility of a position opening end of july? nice!

that's pretty much all so far. happy summer.

. 159 made me. . smile .

[27 Mar 2008|11:18am]
[ mood | cold ]

you think things hit rock bottom, but then there are more awful suprises in store.
no wonder why i harden my emotions so much, it's crazy dealing with this shit.
i don't know how much more i can take before it's a giant slap of reality in my face.
how much worse are things going to get? i don't even want to find out.

. 259 made me. . smile .

it's almost that time... [20 Feb 2008|11:39pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

oh man. it's already 2008. freaking 2008.
this is the year i graduate college.
after years of imagining the time coming, it's finally here.
well almost, a few more months, but geez they are flying by.
i'm excited to see where i will be next year.
i'm keeping my mind open, one thing is for sure..i do not want to stay in this state.
i don't know why i want to get away, but i do.
i'm young, i need more adventure in my life.
i want to see what's outside philadelphia.
anybody want to join me on my adventure?
we can be roommates somewhere unfamilar.
this whole future thing truely intrigues me.

love, kristina.

. smile .

[16 Jan 2008|12:46pm]
so things ended friday.
i was so so so upset that night
better on saturday
but this week...eh.
especially after seeing people w their boyfriends and stuff
i know its better things ended but just because things are over that makes it okay not to talk and see how i am? damn, even if just as a friend. i havent talked to him since, and i refuse to call either. i be the one calling if i was the one hurt, that makes no sense. i want to talk things out, i think we could def be "friends" or at least see eachother once and awhile.
it sucks that i'm the one all upset and missing him, he may not even care or miss me at all.
i'm not used to being close with someone then all of a sudden it stops. come on, i've had the same friends for almost eight years or longer.
i think what i miss most was the idea of him, someone to be with, cuddle with, laugh with, hold hands with...all that kind of stuff. i know there are probably 23468 better guys out there for me, but i hate how one minute i had someone and the next its gone. i dont know how "break ups work" but i hope to hear from him sometime in the near future....

ps...i need a rebound :)
. smile .

[30 Dec 2007|03:34pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

i dont know whats been going on with me but i have no patience this week
i'm getting annoyed at everything and i'm extremely edgy.
i dont know why but i hope i start feeling more normal
it would be nice to pin point a source but the only thing i could come up with is i NEED NEED NEED to be back at my apartment.
especially since nobody is there, i'd be all by myself and able to chill out
maybe its just the holiday environment but im super sick of making/trying to make plans and im super sick of being a bum and sitting in
ahhh i might just go back to clinical early...i need some sanity in my life and as weird as it may be i think going back to school would do the trick nicely.
the end.

. smile .

stressing over this, we almost broke up twice this week.... [13 Dec 2007|03:49pm]
[ mood | sad ]

things havent been good with me and nick
i didnt think relationships would be so emotional complicated
i guess i haven't used some of those emotions in a long time, if at all, so it's so incredibly hard to deal with things sometimes
i know it would probably benefit me if we ended things now
things are so iffy anyway
but i have to torture myself, i cant let go just yet.
i honestly do believe things could get better
but i dont know if he's 100% sure of that
ughhhh i wish things could have just been perfect
but nothing is now is it?

ps- ending things would be so much easier if there was a big blow up and fighting and everything. but if we are comfortable talking about problems and still arent furious with eachother and moreso okay with things and peaceful with it...ah it makes things so much worse in a way.

. smile .

[26 Nov 2007|12:33pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i havent been myself in awhile.
give or take certain times of course.
i'm unhappy. and i don't know why.
this is going to be the third day in a row i cried.

. smile .

[22 Nov 2007|01:04pm]
[ mood | happy ]

michael fixed my phone!
i love this thing its indestructable!
:) im happy

. smile .

rip phone [21 Nov 2007|01:04pm]
[ mood | dumb ]

omgggggggggg im such an idiot.

worked today, went to clean my last table up
there was a glass of water on my tray
...that tipped over and slipped all over my apron
which i wouldnt have cared about...
except my fucking phone was in there

this is the THIRD time my phone was drowned in water
i dont think its going to resurrect itself again...
no fucking way it will

so right now i put my sim card in michaels phone
haha my freaking ten year old brothers phone
oh man i have bad luck with phones, what am i to do?

well it looks like i will need to get a new one.
i kind of needed an upgrade anyway
as long as i buy a waterproof phone, no lie either.

ps- it really would make me smile if for some reason after it's finished its drying out process it turns on and works. oh man im crossing my fingers...that would be banging though!

. smile .

i guess ill update for once [01 Nov 2007|09:21am]
[ mood | happy ]

happy november.
should be looking over cross sectional anatomy.
but of course im not.
my halloween sucked.
the extent of my fun related to halloween was carving kick ass pumpkins with my family on sunday night and the jeff frat party last friday.
so i didnt even go out halloween night, blows.
but its for the best, i feel well rested and better off for studying today.
this semester's schudule is so weird. i hate the night crap.
actually maybe i like it bc i get to sleep in late ANDDDD i actually dont fall asleep in class like ever. which is def a giant improvement compared to...well pretty much all of highschool and prior college classes. yay night class to pay attention in.
this weather brings back memories, i love the change in seasons.
coming home the weekends i love just driving in my neighborhood with the windows down, cool air coming in and just remembering how much fun we all have had in highschool or even prior fall seasons. i miss things. but of course we have plenty of time to make more fun memories.
lets all get together and do something fun this weekend, WITHOUT drinking. i miss innocently having fun. why do we need alochol to have fun? we used to have tons of fun without it. so lets all get together and laugh with eachother. haha im a corn ball.
things w the boy are also good, im getting over my crazy weird feelings about being with someone and getting more comfortable and enjoying the company more. opening up is hard...but ill try. we are going to his company holiday dinner next weekend, i borrowed a dress from doll and one from krista...gotta see what i wanna wear. it should be a good time, im excited for it.
i cant procrastinate anymore, i need to start studying. i think the fact i know im almost done with school is making me really really really anxious to get out. therefore my grades have been not so hot, i really gotta work on that. i wanna keep my GPA above a 3.5 but with how i did on my first set of tests i dont look so good at all. ok im gonna go off to study axial cuts of the neck and spine, YUM.

love, kristina
ps- livejournal, ive had you for oh so long. oh man....

. smile .

dontwannatalkaboutitttttttttttttttttttttt [08 Oct 2007|09:22pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i havent wrote in hear in awhile.
i havent been so bummed out in awhile either.
everything likes to happen all at once.
either that or maybe its been building up and im just relizing that now.
which is probably true.
today i really realized, i fucking suck at expressing my emotions.
really really really horrible at it.
i hate talking about serious problems going on, it might help but i cant deal with it.
then again i can't keep dealing with igorning things either, because ignoring things aren't going to make them go away. not one bit. and it's certainly not been making it happier, as much as i'd like to believe i'm fooling myself.

. 159 made me. . smile .

schooltime and i couldnt be happier [29 Aug 2007|11:09am]
[ mood | peaceful ]

so, how is everything everyone?
things here aren't bad.
everyone went back to school monday and i dont have till next wednesday.
its weird because i do like the time off but i miss school or clinical or at least wish i had more days i could work.
i cant sit still ever haha ive been up pretty early this week.
i did have a fun week so far though, monday i went with ness to KOP and a short stop to gmc. yesterday me and gina went to rices and then i took a random trip w my family to seaside heights. it was nice, im glad i got to spend time with my family, i love them all so much. today should be pretty relaxing, i need need need to workout somehow. either jogging outside or maybe i'll drive in the city and workout at my gym. oh man going back to school is going to be nice on my figure because i dont eat very well when i'm home. thursday i have work in the morning (i'm actually excited about that) and afterwards i'm heading over to gmc for a long awaited trip to reeds. its going to be wild with all of the people that go there, and it's first thirsty thursday of the year so you know it's gonna be packed! friday afternoon i'm suppose to go on an outdoor adventure in the burbs but i wont get my hopes up for that until that happens hah.
so if you all had off a whole day what would you do? im tempted to take a trip to cherry hill or somewhere but eh i dont know. i should enjoy my time and relax but i have a problem with relaxing haha.
gina is leaving thursday, tomorrow! im gonna miss her so much! i wish i could get up and go overseas for a few months. the experience is going to be amazing for her. cant wait to hear all the stories! for that matter i hope i have some stories to relay back. this semester seems promising. im forcing myself to try and at least look for a city job (preferably weekday mornings waitressing) but who knows if i can find out that can work with my schedule. this year is going to be so different from nucs, but im looking forward to the change. not to mention my radiation dosages will go down like 90% working with CT. i feel free to go anywhere now that i'm 21, so i want to explore all the places in the city with my classmates. hopefully meet some nice city people while i'm at it, but again, not getting hopes up.
i'm ready for the fall. let's see where it takes me!

. smile .

hello fall...come out and play. [10 Aug 2007|11:12pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

it got chilly out.
i absolutely love it.
reminds me of schooltime.
this year is going to be a good one.

. smile .

[17 Jul 2007|11:45pm]
its time for me to start behaving when it comes to partying.
id like to remember the rest of my summer.
okay bye.
. 159 made me. . smile .

hello and goodbye mister june! [28 Jun 2007|11:06pm]
[ mood | awake ]

[just note that i had a cup of coffee before clinical and a brewhaha latte during lunch...yet i was suppppper tired. it's 11:30 and i'm more awake than i was all day, go figure]

i know i've been saying it since i was a sophmore/junior in highschool...
but i want title or description done sooo bad.
i'm getting it before i turn twenty-one.
i'm getting it after my next paycheck actually, who wants to come?

here is my summer to-do list.
even though it doesnt feel like summer at all.
its actually sad bc im counting down the weeks till clinical is over (six thankyou very much!) so i cant even enjoy summer. not saying the weekdays have been okay, they have. but "okay" isnt the type of summer i want. ah well living it up on the weekends i suppose.

1- rearrange my room, especially my mess of clothes and my closet. HELLO IKEA ORGANIZERS!
2- go swimming a lot.
3- at least 2 trips to the nj shore
4- dorney
5- make city friends haha (i dont really care about this one...i think i'm gonna be commuting my whole summer despite my apartment i'm moving into july)
6- have a few summer flings (haha)
7- go on picnics
8- get an A in my procedures class
9- play some tennis
10- have the best twenty first birthday EVERRRRR
11- slumber parties!

haha i'm such a kid. ah well.
but june went by wayyyyyy too fast. it doesnt feel like summer at all.

hello july..please be nice. and exciting. and can you tell jefferson to lay off making me so serious? i just want to be whimsical

. 159 made me. . smile .

[25 May 2007|12:50pm]
[ mood | blank ]

last night marks my point where im not gonna ignore problems anymore
im going to have to suck it up
things better be okay, they kind of need to be

on a happy note: memorial day weekend starts after clinical today!
the shore is going to be a fun fun fun time, i cant wait.
and gwen stefani last night was delightful too! (not to mention free seats anddd we were pretty damn close)
remind me to buy the akon cd..haha its sooo good (catchy if you will)

. smile .

[11 May 2007|07:32pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

if grass can grow through the cement, love can find you anywhere

. smile .

you got the sun and the stars right above you [02 May 2007|06:51pm]
[ mood | happy ]

hello summer!
i can feel you around the corner.
theres nothing like nice weather in the city
nothing at all
it brightens my spirits and i love it
so what if i have "summer class" its all clinical anyway
which means no studying
which means more time to enjoy this lovely city life
and thats nothing to complain about

in other news i missed going to concerts
and with my lovely friends' company it was a nice time sunday
tomorrow is a SKA show. i really cant wait for that one either

if anybody has any articles about the world
specifically US news or anything relating to sociology please send them my way!
i would love to go to school for something related to that, but that wont happen
so i at least want to inform myself about the world around me
and soc is a subject that really interests me
(ps...thanks for the articles vywy, i want more next week!)
don't get me wrong, i love what i'm doing, i really do
but i can like more than one thing and being in the medical field sometimes i feel isolated from real world issues

time to meet my roomie (phillips obviously) for a sushi date in manyunk!
should be fun, i love her to pieces

mwah! happy sunny day!
love, kristina

. smile .

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